Like everyone else, I’ve had many embarrassing attempts at dating, some via Tinder, some not. About eighteen months ago, I resorted to Facebook Messenger – a slightly humiliating medium, but whatever – to tell a university acquaintance that I had feelings for her. She replied fifteen minutes later, with such an exquisitely balanced message that I later googled it to see if she had stolen it from a template.
“Hi Ollie, thanks for your message. It’s flattering and I guess it wasn’t easy to write. However – I’m really sorry – but I just don’t feel the same way about you. I’m also in a relationship.”
It was so measured, and concise, and polite, and thorough, that when I showed it to my friends they hailed it as a masterpiece: the perfect rejection, in thirty-five words. It became a joke… and once we realised that it could be applied to almost anything, it took on a life of its own.
“Hi Fred, thanks for your job application. It’s flattering and I guess it wasn’t easy to fill out. However – I’m really sorry – but I just don’t feel the same way about your qualifications. I’ve also filled the vacancy.”
“Hi Ollie, thanks for your manuscript. It’s flattering and I guess it wasn’t easy to write. However – I’m really sorry – but I just don’t feel the same way about the story. I’m also closed for submissions.”
“Hi Sophie, thanks for your UCAS form. It’s flattering and I guess it wasn’t easy to do all those Duke of Edinburgh expeditions. However – I’m really sorry – but I just don’t feel the same way about offering you a place at this university. I also didn’t read your personal statement.”
The news regularly fits the format beautifully.
“Hi Europe, thanks for your Union. It’s flattering and I guess it wasn’t easy to organise. However – I’m really sorry – but I just don’t feel the same way about partnership and mutual benefits. I’m also over 65.”
“Hi England, thanks for your football team. It’s flattering and I guess it wasn’t easy to reach the Euro 2016 tournament. However – I’m really sorry – but I just don’t feel the same way about your progress in the competition. I’m also Iceland.”
“Hi Hillary, thanks for your candidacy. It’s flattering and I guess it wasn’t easy to campaign. However – I’m really sorry – but I just don’t feel the same way about voting Democrat. I’m also a basket of deplorables.”
Pretty much anything related to Trump can be made to fit.
“Hi Donald, thanks for your $130,000. It’s flattering and I guess it wasn’t easy to secretly funnel the cash through your lawyer. However – I’m really sorry – but I just don’t feel the same way about our non-disclosure agreement. Storm’s also a-comin’, baby.”
As for popular culture, well…
Try it. Make your own. Being on the receiving end of the perfect rejection has been its own silver lining.